"The Customer Is Always Right" and Other Myths

This weekend I took my car in to the shop for a couple of small things -- a tire change, an alignment, and replacing a burnt out bulb.  When I picked up the car, I found that there had been a miscommunication and something different had been done than what I thought I had requested.  I found myself getting annoyed over the miscommunication, and the manager very quickly moved to make things right. I appreciated that but was upset that I had become annoyed and crabby about the whole thing.  I apologized, and so did they, and things ended on a good note.  But this incident made me think about the whole saying, "The customer is always right," which of course is not true.  The customer is NOT always right!  Sometimes the customer is wrong!  Sometimes the customer is crabby! Sometimes the customer is rude!  It's a scenario in which the pendulum has perhaps swung too far, when the interactions should instead always be polite and courteous on both sides.

This incident led me to thinking about one way in education in which the pendulum has perhaps also swung too far.  Years ago, it was entirely attributed to a child if he/she didn't learn.  It was reasonable for a teacher to say, "I taught it, but they didn't learn it," and it was thought that some children just couldn't learn everything that others could.  In my elementary school years, there was a boy in my class who was still unable to read and write by 8th grade.  He sat in the last row in the back of the class and took all the same tests as everyone else, only all he did was write his name on them.  We corrected each other's papers, and if you got his, all you had to do was write a big "F" on top of it. Reading this in 2012, it's appalling that no one did anything more to help him (although, of course, it's possible that someone tried and I just didn't know about it).  At the time, though, it was just taken for granted that some kids were "good at school" and others weren't.  (For those who are wondering, he dropped out of school as soon as he legally could, and did quite well in life.)

Now, of course, this scenario could not happen.  When we have a child who is having difficulty with something, for example with reading, we do everything we can to figure out what the problem is and do everything we can to help him/her succeed.  I think this is wonderful, and would never want to return to the "good old days" on this front.  However, in some ways I think that the pendulum has perhaps swung too far in the other direction, where teachers and schools are accountable for everything children are accountable for too little.  Sometimes the reason a child isn't learning well is that the child is not doing his/her homework, is not practicing his/her math facts, is not paying attention and working hard in class, is not managing to write down his/her assignments, and/or has been absent  because of a family vacation and is not putting in the extra time needed to catch up.   For children to learn well, there needs to be a solid partnership between home and school.  Educators do need to do everything in their power to help children learn, going "the extra mile" and working hard to make things work for every child in their school, but children also need to put in their best efforts, doing their homework, working hard in class, and putting in extra time when needed, and parents need to help children with this, modeling it for them and reminding them about the importance of working hard.  In my view, the pendulum should be in the middle -- with children supported in their learning by a good partnership between home and school.

Musings About Children and Consequences

Since my last post, I've been doing some thinking about kids learning from the natural consequences of their actions and thought I'd write a bit about my own experience with that, as well as sharing a recent book that relates -- How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, by Paul Tough.  Tough's thesis is that helping children develop curiosity, perseverance, and other character traits is essential in helping them achieve success in life, and he has some interesting thoughts on that. 

In my own experience, some years ago, when I was perhaps 8 or 9 years old, I went with my family to the annual county fair.  I had saved up a fair amount of money for the occasion, maybe $1.25 or so, which in those days was significant.  That evening, among all the rides and treats and exciting experiences, I saw a booth where you could take a chance on choosing a colored plastic duck, out of many different-colored ducks floating in a stream past the front of the booth, that would win you a wonderful stuffed animal.  I was sucked in, and spent the rest of my money on chances, but did not win the stuffed animal.  In tears, I told my father what had happened.  He was sympathetic and caring, but did not rescue me.  He did not give me more money so I could go on rides, and he and I had a conversation, sympathetic and caring on his side, but also very clear, about decision-making and choices, and the risks of gambling.  I spent the rest of the evening just looking at the exhibits, except that the whole family had supper at one of the booths and at the end of the evening we all went on one ride before going home. 

Looking back on this incident, it seems to me that my parents achieved an excellent balance in helping me deal with this problem.  They listened, were sympathetic and caring, but did not rescue me.  Instead, they helped me learn an important lesson from my choices.  What would I have learned if they had rescued me?  Would I have learned to think about and be responsible for the consequences of my decisions?  Or would I have learned to feel entitled, and to think that someone would or should always rescue me?

 As an elementary school principal, I often see parents wanting to rescue their children, to keep them from feeling sadness, discomfort, disappointment or frustration, or experiencing negative consequences.  While understanding that it is difficult to see your child being unhappy, I am concerned about this trend.  In the elementary years, the consequences for a child are not that large; every year, the consequences of poor decisions become larger.  At 8 years old, the consequence of my poor decision-making about money was that I was unable to go on another ride that evening.  At 28, as an adult, the consequences of my taking a similar risk, gambling with a large part of my funds, would have been much more serious.  It was an important lesson to learn at a young age, when the consequences were relatively small.  Similarly, if kids learn in elementary school that hitting another student, for example, results in missing recess, in high school they may not have to learn that lesson by being suspended or expelled.  Or if they learn in the early years that not studying for tests results in lower performance, they will avoid experiencing the results of poor academic grades in the years in which academic performance has high-stakes consequences.  Of course, it's always a judgment call as to how to intervene in any particular situation for a particular child, but in general it seems to me to be true that people (children, adults, all of us) learn from the results of their actions, and while taking care to be kind, caring, and gentle, we adults need to allow that to happen for kids.