Musings About Children and Consequences

Since my last post, I've been doing some thinking about kids learning from the natural consequences of their actions and thought I'd write a bit about my own experience with that, as well as sharing a recent book that relates -- How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, by Paul Tough.  Tough's thesis is that helping children develop curiosity, perseverance, and other character traits is essential in helping them achieve success in life, and he has some interesting thoughts on that. 

In my own experience, some years ago, when I was perhaps 8 or 9 years old, I went with my family to the annual county fair.  I had saved up a fair amount of money for the occasion, maybe $1.25 or so, which in those days was significant.  That evening, among all the rides and treats and exciting experiences, I saw a booth where you could take a chance on choosing a colored plastic duck, out of many different-colored ducks floating in a stream past the front of the booth, that would win you a wonderful stuffed animal.  I was sucked in, and spent the rest of my money on chances, but did not win the stuffed animal.  In tears, I told my father what had happened.  He was sympathetic and caring, but did not rescue me.  He did not give me more money so I could go on rides, and he and I had a conversation, sympathetic and caring on his side, but also very clear, about decision-making and choices, and the risks of gambling.  I spent the rest of the evening just looking at the exhibits, except that the whole family had supper at one of the booths and at the end of the evening we all went on one ride before going home. 

Looking back on this incident, it seems to me that my parents achieved an excellent balance in helping me deal with this problem.  They listened, were sympathetic and caring, but did not rescue me.  Instead, they helped me learn an important lesson from my choices.  What would I have learned if they had rescued me?  Would I have learned to think about and be responsible for the consequences of my decisions?  Or would I have learned to feel entitled, and to think that someone would or should always rescue me?

 As an elementary school principal, I often see parents wanting to rescue their children, to keep them from feeling sadness, discomfort, disappointment or frustration, or experiencing negative consequences.  While understanding that it is difficult to see your child being unhappy, I am concerned about this trend.  In the elementary years, the consequences for a child are not that large; every year, the consequences of poor decisions become larger.  At 8 years old, the consequence of my poor decision-making about money was that I was unable to go on another ride that evening.  At 28, as an adult, the consequences of my taking a similar risk, gambling with a large part of my funds, would have been much more serious.  It was an important lesson to learn at a young age, when the consequences were relatively small.  Similarly, if kids learn in elementary school that hitting another student, for example, results in missing recess, in high school they may not have to learn that lesson by being suspended or expelled.  Or if they learn in the early years that not studying for tests results in lower performance, they will avoid experiencing the results of poor academic grades in the years in which academic performance has high-stakes consequences.  Of course, it's always a judgment call as to how to intervene in any particular situation for a particular child, but in general it seems to me to be true that people (children, adults, all of us) learn from the results of their actions, and while taking care to be kind, caring, and gentle, we adults need to allow that to happen for kids.